I jinxed it!
Dealing with relentless morning sickness..

I said I was starting to feel better, well... I hit 15 weeks and woke up super early for a run to the bathroom!

I had made sure my stomach was not empty and ate a banana earlier. When I felt the off sensation in my stomach I took Zofran but nope that did not work (I guess I took it too late) and here I was, feeling like I was stepping backwards... Aren't things supposed to get better in the 2nd trimester?

You'd think you'd get used to the now familiar sensation of feeling nauseated. But it can really take you by surprise. You feel fine one minute and the next you are gagging/dry-heaving out of the blue...

I remember so well how it all started... Doing grocery shopping pre-Christmas... I was walking in the vegetable section, still a bit tired and achey from the birth I attended the night before, when I started to feel off. I wondered if maybe I was just dehydrated from having worked overnight? But then I got to the cheese section and it hit me... the deeply nauseating/dry-heaving feeling... I could not get away from it, wrapping my scarf around my face and pushing the cart frantically to the next section, Meat... I did not know where to look, I was sure I was going to puke in the store in front of everyone. My husband who was as surprised as me told me to go back to the vegetable section :)

But the only place I could stand to be in was the coffee area!!! I just stood there taking deep breaths while my husband finished grabbing stuff for our Christmas dinner. That night I barely ate anything and this became the new normal until now really...

New Year's Eve, we were in Montreal and my friends had cooked a pork loin with garlic... I normally love garlic, but it became the worst smell... I started shoving essential oils up my nose just to be able to leave our bedroom... my face turned an ashen hue, I was becoming a ghost of myself... constantly preoccupied with the thought of being sick.

Did I mention I have a phobia of throwing up, Emetophobia, it's called. And no it's not like the more you throw up, the less scared you are. You are in a permanent state of anxiety. Anything can set you off at Anytime!

Turning in bed, getting up to go the the bathroom, loud sounds, looking at my phone, my husband patting my back, NYC smells, I mean NYC SMELLS...

I would just lie in bed, staring at the wall. I wished I could just sleep through the 1st trimester and wake up when it was over but the deep exhaustion some women report was not a symptom of mine. I could not even sleep. My mind was pre-occupied with being sick. I wondered when I would have space for anything else, how long this would last, will I ever be myself again...

I have to talk a lot for my job and there were days I could not even open my mouth... So glamorous! Where was the pregnancy glow everyone seemed to talk about?

I lost almost 9lbs in the 1st trimester. I never took my prenatal vitamins (could not swallow pills, still can't). It was like my throat was closed to anything going in and just ready to let anything out.

Apples worked well for a while, then I'd throw them up. I was so dehydrated that I was craving really cold juice, I'd throw that up too. I could barely drink water. I survived on new things I really liked but after 2 days, the thought of them made me sick. Mashed potatoes and thinly sliced ham, madeleines, french lemonade, Sprite, sour candy, pasta salad, salmon and ice cream. The best nutrition for a growing baby really!

And yes I did try ginger, I mean if someone suggests ginger again, I will barf!!! Peppermint, No to Morning Sickness tea, bitters, chewing gum, crackers, eating regularly (not possible), someone suggested protein (dry-heaved right away), acupuncture, acupressure (I actually wore stick on-pressure balls on my wrist for weeks and pressed on them so much I was almost bruised) and finally homeopathy (Sepia, Phosphorus and Ipecacuanha) and Zofran! Both give me some relief. It does not always get rid of the nausea and does not always prevent vomiting but it gives me a bit of confidence (a safety net really) that I could leave the house and see clients and teach.

Through this process, I have found that unless people have experienced this all day sickness (why can't it be from 7 till 9 am everyday so I can somewhat prepare myself), people don't understand how debilitating it is. And I am really lucky, I do not have Hypermesis Gravidarum. I often think about the women who suffer from HG and they are my heroes!

All I can do for now is to 'prendre mon mal en patience' which roughly translates to 'take my troubles patiently'. This too shall pass! Right? right?

I guess my first great lesson on the path to Motherhood is loosing my fake sense of control and letting go...